Editors note: I would have gone with for the caption of this book “Now you see him. Now you…DERP!!!

Here are my plans for LRL, my sister, Canais, will continue on LRL as a guest blogger as she is completing her culinary classes in Cali. I will take over has the head Librarian and “Gender Benders” only contestant Sarajane (my best friend IRL) will join the LRL crew.

The three of us are proud to continue the crazyness that is The Low Rent Library. Now it may take a week or two to return to it’s former glory since Sara has to GTFO of her shitty college and transfer with me to Temple. Plus my classes are ending as soon as this weekend. I HAZ NO EXAMZ!!!

Also, if anybody wants to join LRL, you are in luck! I am considering opening up the library to let 2 additional people dust the creaky shelves. I will post more information about this later on. So keep your eyes pealed and you MUST consider getting a wordpress account so it will be easier to post in here.

Thank you and happy reading!

-Angel

PS: If you love soap opera opening credits, check out my blog on wordpress: http://soapoperathemes.wordpress.com

And on the plus side, one person participated this time around and gave me a list of her answers. It’s my sister’s (and fellow Low-Rent Librarian’s) friend, Sarajane Sein. So this post will be about me listing her answers and telling her whether she’s right or wrong (sorry I didn’t have a prize lined up, Sarajane. Maybe you can do a guest post on LRL. Just ask Angel for permission).

Anyway, here are the results of last week’s contest, line by line:

1) “His enormous head bobbed and throbbed excitedly.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from “The Girl Who Cried Monster,” book #8 )

2) “I had a shelf full of videos of her, shielded only by the lace of the curtains.”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: erotica (from the short story “Drillers,” as published in Cream: The Best of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association)

3) “There it was. Written large, in block letters the color of blood: My name.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: erotica (another entry from Cream: The Best of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association; this time, it’s from the short story, “Avril’s Name” by Thomas S. Roche. The “blood and block letters” bit is a reference to a tattoo).

4) Danny grinned. “So what? Now you’ve got two little ones.”
     “But I only like big ones,” Todd replied.

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from “Go Eat Worms!”, book #21. Damn! I thought she would get this wrong. I mean look at that passage.)

5) “Margaret’s mouth dropped open into a wide O of surprise.”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: Goosebumps, believe it or not (from “Stay Out of the Basement!”, book #2. If you ever read “Stay Out of the Basement” again, get a highlighter and try to find as many innuendos as you can, particularly the ones about being in and out of the closet and being bent over tables and sinks. There’s an X-rated [okay, maybe heavy PG-13-rated] gold mine).

6) “Blood oozed from the fresh marker, trickling down.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: erotica (again, from “Avril’s Name” in the Cream anthology)

7) “He stood very erect, sweat rolling thickly down his body.”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: Goosebumps (it’s a stock line that’s appeared in many Goosebumps books, worded in many ways, but I first saw this in the Goosebumps 2000 book, “Brain Juice” [book #12])

8 ) “Todd pitched forward, dropping onto his hands and knees. He gazed up at Danny.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct Answer: Goosebumps (again, from “Go Eat Worms!”, book #21)

9) “Then he flicked a switch and the alien noise began. I seemed to feel the needle before he even touched me, and I was amazed at how my mind went completely blank…”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: erotica (from a story called “What I Do For My Pain,” which was entered in an erotica website [forgot the name] contest. It won honorable mention)

10) “How’s that for a Kodak moment? A boy I like sitting there with my underpants in his hands!”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from the Goosebumps 2000 book, “Revenge R Us”)

11) “Talk about a tight squeeze!”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: Goosebumps (it’s the on-cover tagline to part one of the two-part Goosebumps 2000 book, Invasion of the Body Squeezers)

12) “A bird…You’re a pretty bird, making me blue and green.” My mouth couldn’t seem to shut, wasn’t able to stop spouting nonsense.

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: erotica (again from “What I Do for My Pain”)

13) “‘You’re dripping on the rug,’ she said.”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from “The Girl Who Cried Monster,” book #8. It was referring to Lucy [the protagonist] coming in from running in the rain)

14) “I shouldn’t have told him about Gabriel.”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: erotica (from a flasher [a really short story, not the other kind] in the Cream anthology called “What is Thy Name?”)

15) “He liked them long and kind of fat. And squishy. Squishy was very important.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: Goosebumps (yet another innuendo from “Go Eat Worms”)

16)  “‘Meet me behind second base on the playground,’ he whispered. Danny nodded. He didn’t have to ask why.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: Goosebumps (yet another innuendo from “Go Eat Worms”; Goddamn, is this book perverted or what? Not as much as “Monster Blood” or “Stay Out of the Basement,” but pretty close)

17) “Andy and Evan dropped down wearily onto the couch.
       “I guess you’re going forever,” Andy said. “I mean, to Atlanta and everything.”
       “I’d like to… uh… write to you,” Evan said, suddenly feeling awkward.

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from the first “Monster Blood” story [book #3]; and there’s plenty of lines in this one that can be misconstrued as clues that Evan loves Andy, but is sexually frustrated, particularly in the scene where Evan nearly drowns in a bathtub of Monster Blood. The way it’s written, you’d think he was having some alone time with Rosie Palm and her Five Friends).

18 ) “We’ll do an all-squirting act.”

Sarajane’s answer: erotica

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from the second book of the Goosebumps 2000 series, “Bride of the Living Dummy”. The “all-squirting” act is Jillian and her friend, Harrison, coming up with a clown act for a kids’ party)

19) “Pigeon was devouring me like a feast and all that was missing was some mustard.”

Sarajane’s answer: none (she skipped over this one)

Correct answer: erotica (again from “What I Do for My Pain”)

20) “He was licking me frantically. ‘Oh, Petey! Petey!” I cried, “Stop! You’re getting me all sticky!’ But he wouldn’t stop. He kept on licking fiercely.”

Sarajane’s answer: Goosebumps (which she concluded based on the fact that she knew there was a Goosebumps story with a dog named Petey)

Correct answer: Goosebumps (from the very first book, “Welcome to Dead House”)

=============================================================

So, from a possible 20, Sarajane got…11 right (1, 2, 4, 8, 9, 10, 14, 15, 16, and 17), eight wrong (3, 5, 6, 7, 11, 12, 13, and 18), and 1 inconclusive (she skipped over number 19). Good for you!

And we’ll see you next time on, “Genre Benders” when we pit philosophical writings vs. Wild Western novels.

This week’s Low-Rent Library introduces a new recurring piece called “Genre-Benders,” where I take two books from two different genres, take lines from them, and you have to guess which genre the line came from. The answers will be given on the next post. It’s best if you don’t Google the answers or use any outside source; I want to see if any of the readers out there can use their brains.

This week, it’s R.L. Stine’s horror fiction (the Goosebumps series and spin-offs specifically) vs. the steamy underbelly of the lit world known as erotic fiction. Which line is from where? I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

1) “His enormous head bobbed and throbbed excitedly.”

2) “I had a shelf full of videos of her, shielded only by the lace of the curtains.”

3) “There it was. Written large, in block letters the color of blood: My name.”

4) Danny grinned. “So what? Now you’ve got two little ones.”
     “But I only like big ones,” Todd replied.

5) “Margaret’s mouth dropped open into a wide O of surprise.”

6) “Blood oozed from the fresh marker, trickling down.”

7) “He stood very erect, sweat rolling thickly down his body.”

“Todd pitched forward, dropping onto his hands and knees. He gazed up at Danny.”

9) “Then he flicked a switch and the alien noise began. I seemed to feel the needle before he even touched me, and I was amazed at how my mind went completely blank…”

10) “How’s that for a Kodak moment? A boy I like sitting there with my underpants in his hands!”

11) “Talk about a tight squeeze!”

12) “A bird…You’re a pretty bird, making me blue and green.” My mouth couldn’t seem to shut, wasn’t able to stop spouting nonsense.

13) “‘You’re dripping on the rug,’ she said.”

14) “I shouldn’t have told him about Gabriel.”

15) “He liked them long and kind of fat. And squishy. Squishy was very important.”

16)  “‘Meet me behind second base on the playground,’ he whispered. Danny nodded. He didn’t have to ask why.”

17) “Andy and Evan dropped down wearily onto the couch.
       “I guess you’re going forever,” Andy said. “I mean, to Atlanta and everything.”
       “I’d like to… uh… write to you,” Evan said, suddenly feeling awkward.

18) “We’ll do an all-squirting act.”

19) “Pigeon was devouring me like a feast and all that was missing was some mustard.”

20) “He was licking me frantically. ‘Oh, Petey! Petey!” I cried, “Stop! You’re getting me all sticky!’ But he wouldn’t stop. He kept on licking fiercely.”

There. Twenty lines, twenty guesses. I’ll see you next week with the answers.

You’re also old enough to read some horror books. Now, normal libraries have such scary classics as Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, or anything by Edgar Allan Poe (including his sad life story). However, this is the Low-Rent Library. Most of the books donated to us are so bad, not even the Dollar Store will sell them.

Since the LRL netted a buttload of scary books this year (thanks to the recession putting most stores out of business and our crack team of skilled sneak thieves breaking into the abandoned stores late at night), this catalog post will be split into two parts.

This is part one:

Now, if the Goosebumps parodies look familiar, it’s because they were once part of my Candy’s Blog two-parter where I retitled some books in R.L. Stine’s popular series. Since I’ve moved all my Low-Rent Library entries here, I’ll be reposting the rest of them in part two of this blog entry and add some new PhotoShopped titles.

As you know (or might not know), my assistant librarian, Angel, has moved out and is busy with completing college, leaving me with all the blog work (until I can find a job — it’s two years of unemployment and counting if you’re keeping score).

Don’t despair — the humor will not suffer just because someone left (this isn’t like SNL or MADtv or even South Park after Isaac Hayes left over the backlash behind the ”Trapped in the Closet” episode). In fact, it’ll be sharper, smarter, and more ribald.

This week, the Low-Rent Library will be looking at Halloween-themed books, from costume/mask guides to rejected takes on the Goosebumps and the Scary Tales to Tell in the Dark series. I’ll even snark on the adult horror stuff. Not today, of course. Check back on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Sincerely,

Candy

Normally, “A Textbook Case” is reserved for rants on how mind-numbingly politically correct American textbooks have become (as seen here and here). Today, however, “A Textbook Case” takes a look at textbooks that have been rejected from American schools.

All are arranged by subject:

World History:

Health and Well-Being for Adolescents:

Mathematics and Math Theory:

English (Composition and Vocabulary):

Foreign Language:

Art:

College Prep–Getting Ready for Life After High School:

Religion and Philosophy:

Science:

PS: I now attend school at Temple, so my posts will be few and far between as the semester progresses. Candy will provide most of the posts while I take an administrative role in managing the page and promoting the blog. Its on a whenever-I-can-basis. Also I am thinking about putting up a facebook fan page for this blog. But for now follow us on Twitter for updates: www.twitter.com/lowrentlibrary

And a HUGE THANKs for reading LRL!