Posts Tagged ‘contest’

Genre-Benders #1: Did You Wet Yourself From Fear or Are You Happy to See Me?

It’s been getting a little boring here at the Low-Rent Library lately. With my assistant Angel busy with school (and her personal problems) and my jumping on an opportunity to train for a job, the ol’ LRL’s been a little quiet…too quiet if you ask me. And frankly, I’m sick of doing yet another PhotoShopped book collection post. I know I promised I’d show off my collection of bad arts and crafts books, but that will have to wait until this holiday season or January of next year. Stay tuned.

This week’s Low-Rent Library introduces a new recurring piece called “Genre-Benders,” where I take two books from two different genres, take lines from them, and you have to guess which genre the line came from. The answers will be given on the next post. It’s best if you don’t Google the answers or use any outside source; I want to see if any of the readers out there can use their brains.

This week, it’s R.L. Stine’s horror fiction (the Goosebumps series and spin-offs specifically) vs. the steamy underbelly of the lit world known as erotic fiction. Which line is from where? I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

1) “His enormous head bobbed and throbbed excitedly.”

2) “I had a shelf full of videos of her, shielded only by the lace of the curtains.”

3) “There it was. Written large, in block letters the color of blood: My name.”

4) Danny grinned. “So what? Now you’ve got two little ones.”
     “But I only like big ones,” Todd replied.

5) “Margaret’s mouth dropped open into a wide O of surprise.”

6) “Blood oozed from the fresh marker, trickling down.”

7) “He stood very erect, sweat rolling thickly down his body.”

8) “Todd pitched forward, dropping onto his hands and knees. He gazed up at Danny.”

9) “Then he flicked a switch and the alien noise began. I seemed to feel the needle before he even touched me, and I was amazed at how my mind went completely blank…”

10) “How’s that for a Kodak moment? A boy I like sitting there with my underpants in his hands!”

11) “Talk about a tight squeeze!”

12) “A bird…You’re a pretty bird, making me blue and green.” My mouth couldn’t seem to shut, wasn’t able to stop spouting nonsense.

13) “‘You’re dripping on the rug,’ she said.”

14) “I shouldn’t have told him about Gabriel.”

15) “He liked them long and kind of fat. And squishy. Squishy was very important.”

16)  “‘Meet me behind second base on the playground,’ he whispered. Danny nodded. He didn’t have to ask why.”

17) “Andy and Evan dropped down wearily onto the couch.
       “I guess you’re going forever,” Andy said. “I mean, to Atlanta and everything.”
       “I’d like to… uh… write to you,” Evan said, suddenly feeling awkward.

18) “We’ll do an all-squirting act.”

19) “Pigeon was devouring me like a feast and all that was missing was some mustard.”

20) “He was licking me frantically. ‘Oh, Petey! Petey!” I cried, “Stop! You’re getting me all sticky!’ But he wouldn’t stop. He kept on licking fiercely.”

There. Twenty lines, twenty guesses. I’ll see you next week with the answers.

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The Low-Rent Library’s Fall Book Fair

In elementary school days (at least for me; your mileage may vary), a week or two in October or November was set aside for book fairs.

What’s a book fair? It’s basically Barnes and Noble if they did business out of a trailer, selling books that wouldn’t move off the shelves of their actual store unless a tornado came a-blowin’ through (thank the good Lord I don’t live in Ternader Alley). If one place knows anything about keeping unsellable books, it’s The Low-Rent Library. That’s why this year, The Low-Rent Library is having a book fair. Well, that and we lost most of the library budget betting on Celebrity Quarters (how was I supposed to know Morgan Freeman wouldn’t win? He was the one who had a drinking problem when he was on The Electric Company).

Anyway, here are some of this month’s hottest picks:

Crime Is a Drag

Our first pick is So You Committed a Crime While in Drag, a guide book for men on what to do when you break the laws of the land and the laws of good fashion. You’ll find chapters on how to make perfume in the toilet, how to fend off the unwanted advances of your cellmate, how to find a lawyer who won’t laugh at you, and how to rebuild your damaged reputation should you be found innocent.

Retail price: $6.95

Non-Union Romance

Our next book is When Romance Novel Covers Go On Strike: The Case for Turning a Profit and Violating Child Labor Laws. Much like actors, writers, and directors, romance novel cover models belong to a union, and when the time comes for the union to negotiate new contract terms and the higher-ups don’t agree, the models will go on strike. Unlike the writers, actors, and directors, the art department for a romance novel publishing company isn’t allowed to just stop production until the strike ends. So what do they do? They pick scabs (non-union replacements, not those grody natural bandages that you just have to pick because they’re an eyesore [Shit, did I say that out loud?]).

Retail price: $10.95

Wasted

Next, we have Wasted Away Again in Nairobi, a drama with morbidly comedic elements about a suicidal great white hunter with a drinking problem who befriends a Kenyan servant girl at a topless bar. Can she show him that life is worth living or will this great white hunter finally shoot something that can’t be made into a moosehead or a rug? (SPOILER ALERT: the Kenyan servant girl ends up turning her depressed lover into a skin cape for hunting)

Retail price: $7.95 (preorder now and get a imitation skin cape of your very own)

20 Years

From the desk of Ann M. Martin comes Stacey Sees Her Life in About 20 Years. While at a carnival, Stacey McGill flirts with a carny, who sips from a magical flask that can make people see their futures in 20 years’ time. Naturally, Stacey downs a swig and sees herself as the simpering, groveling housewife and mother to an abusive clod and two kids whose adorable pranks on Mommy are actually plots to have her dead. Can Stacey change the present so her future won’t be so bleak? We hope not!

Retail price: $12.95

If those books aren’t your thing, we have plenty of great titles in our clearance bin (including the ones I just described):