Posts Tagged ‘PhotoShop’

The Low-Rent House of Horror (part two)

Last time around, we freaked you out with scary (and just plain disturbing) books that our LRL staff trudged up during their nightly break-ins at abandoned bookstores in order to provide for our barren shelves. This week, we continue sharing our spoils with you, the LRL readers:

The Low-Rent Library’s Fall Book Fair

In elementary school days (at least for me; your mileage may vary), a week or two in October or November was set aside for book fairs.

What’s a book fair? It’s basically Barnes and Noble if they did business out of a trailer, selling books that wouldn’t move off the shelves of their actual store unless a tornado came a-blowin’ through (thank the good Lord I don’t live in Ternader Alley). If one place knows anything about keeping unsellable books, it’s The Low-Rent Library. That’s why this year, The Low-Rent Library is having a book fair. Well, that and we lost most of the library budget betting on Celebrity Quarters (how was I supposed to know Morgan Freeman wouldn’t win? He was the one who had a drinking problem when he was on The Electric Company).

Anyway, here are some of this month’s hottest picks:

Crime Is a Drag

Our first pick is So You Committed a Crime While in Drag, a guide book for men on what to do when you break the laws of the land and the laws of good fashion. You’ll find chapters on how to make perfume in the toilet, how to fend off the unwanted advances of your cellmate, how to find a lawyer who won’t laugh at you, and how to rebuild your damaged reputation should you be found innocent.

Retail price: $6.95

Non-Union Romance

Our next book is When Romance Novel Covers Go On Strike: The Case for Turning a Profit and Violating Child Labor Laws. Much like actors, writers, and directors, romance novel cover models belong to a union, and when the time comes for the union to negotiate new contract terms and the higher-ups don’t agree, the models will go on strike. Unlike the writers, actors, and directors, the art department for a romance novel publishing company isn’t allowed to just stop production until the strike ends. So what do they do? They pick scabs (non-union replacements, not those grody natural bandages that you just have to pick because they’re an eyesore [Shit, did I say that out loud?]).

Retail price: $10.95

Wasted

Next, we have Wasted Away Again in Nairobi, a drama with morbidly comedic elements about a suicidal great white hunter with a drinking problem who befriends a Kenyan servant girl at a topless bar. Can she show him that life is worth living or will this great white hunter finally shoot something that can’t be made into a moosehead or a rug? (SPOILER ALERT: the Kenyan servant girl ends up turning her depressed lover into a skin cape for hunting)

Retail price: $7.95 (preorder now and get a imitation skin cape of your very own)

20 Years

From the desk of Ann M. Martin comes Stacey Sees Her Life in About 20 Years. While at a carnival, Stacey McGill flirts with a carny, who sips from a magical flask that can make people see their futures in 20 years’ time. Naturally, Stacey downs a swig and sees herself as the simpering, groveling housewife and mother to an abusive clod and two kids whose adorable pranks on Mommy are actually plots to have her dead. Can Stacey change the present so her future won’t be so bleak? We hope not!

Retail price: $12.95

If those books aren’t your thing, we have plenty of great titles in our clearance bin (including the ones I just described):

Wretched Romance Novels (part one)

Romance novels — they’ve been snarked, they’ve been lampooned on and off the web, they’ve been PhotoShopped. Is there anything else I can do to them?

Oh, yeah. PhotoShop ’em some more!

Don’t worry. This is just the tip of the iceberg.